Things Fall Apart
"I’m sitting at my kitchen table writing this meditation. Feeling like a complete imposter because I haven’t sat in mediation for two days. The last time my thoughts became too loud in the silence. I started sobbing. Hot tears splashing down my face. And then the fear crept in. What if every time I close my eyes, it’s this dark again? What if can’t find my way back? What if I never heal from my grief and every time I take a moment to listen to my thoughts, I realize how terrifying they are? The idea put an unshakable cold in my bones. I couldn’t do this. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I said to myself instead of my mantra.
I was attempting to confront my fears because recently, things have fallen apart. In the span of a few weeks more than one person I’ve loved has passed away--perhaps taking pieces of me with them as they left… I’ve been ill twice in the last month and currently feel completely trapped inside my body as it coughs and wheezes. I’m struggling to build a business and feeling, as I mentioned, like a complete fraud. How can I make a difference to someone else; How can I be a bridge for a global community when I can barely even stand? I feel as though I’m shrinking as the world is in chaos around me.
I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. I’m thinking of those I’ve lost recently and what strength I thought I had. I can’t even sit for ten minutes to hear my thoughts; to try to settle my mind. I’m too afraid. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. What will I see? Who will I see and how will I realize I’ve failed them? I don’t want to close my eyes. Things fall apart.
Things fall apart when you think you’ve got it all figured out. Things fall apart when you’re crawling. Things fall apart when you fly. Things fall apart when you’re prepared. Things fall apart when you least expect it. Things will always fall apart. But there will be so many beautiful things that sprout through the wreckage.
I’m grieving right now. I’m wishing people back into my life that I will never see again. People that can never be replaced. But I think about how much they loved me and how they would never want to see me in pain. I think about all the promises I made them. All the dreams I shared. And I know they would want me to get back up and keep heading towards them.
I can’t wish myself away. I have a responsibility to the memories I shared. To the joy I was a part of. I know the best way to honor that is to continue to try to be the best version of myself. So I can be that person for others. So I can touch someone’s life as much as they did.
I will allow myself to search for peace. Even if I don’t find it today. Even if tears continue to drench my face. I will keep trying. I will keep writing. I will keep nourishing my body. I will keep feeding my mind. I will keep nurturing my heart and my soul. If the silence becomes deafening I will accept it for today. But I will keep coming back. Over and over again. I will return to reclaim my clarity.
Yes, things fall apart, but I can't. Not today. Not ever."
Saint & Synesthésie
I am the author of my own story.
I am always stronger than I may feel.
I am reclaiming my clarity and peace of mind.